How to be assertive when living with domestic violence

small_8575772227Today we consider how to be assertive when living with domestic violence.  One in four women will suffer domestic violence in their lives.

Ever thought about why we allow it to continue?

Well for a start you don’t get taught about it at school so it can come as a complete surprise, straight out of the blue and you can excuse it by saying ‘that was a one off, it won’t happen again’.

WRONG – IT WILL.

Perhaps months later and you excuse it again with …

  • ‘oh I must mean so much to him/her…..I’m so special to them they just can’t help themselves’
  • ‘I have that much of an effect on them – I must have power to make them do that’
  • ‘I obviously mean so much to them’
  • ‘I must be very valuable otherwise they wouldn’t go to these lengths and I wouldn’t get so much attention’

In a way it’s quite arrogant to think that your behaviour has that much effect on another person.

So stop deluding yourself because -YOU ARE JUST IN THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME AND IF YOU WEREN’T THERE THEY WOULD BE DOING THIS TO SOMEONE ELSE.

These are the assertive beliefs you need to adopt:

  • This is not how normal relationships are
  • I can choose how I behave – I don’t have to be hooked by others
  • It’s ok to be me – to be different from others, or what others want me to be
  • I’ve been passive and wanted to appease in the past, now I can choose to be assertive

These are the assertive rights you need to give yourself :

  • I have the right to be treated with dignity
  • I have the right not to be dependent on someone else’s approval
  • I have the right not to be bullied and abused
  • I have the right to prosecute
  • I have the right to say no
  • I have the right to accept that I made a mistake in forming a relationship with this person
  • I have the right to to be in charge of my life

Then you need to say these things to yourself – choose the one that will be your mantra:

  • ‘I can be free of them’
  • ‘I can take control’
  • ‘I can decide what happens next’
  • ‘I can be myself and I can find love in the future’
  • ‘I can share my experience with others when I’m ready’

‘I CAN ASK FOR HELP FROM OTHERS, IT DOESN’T MAKE ME ANY LESS OF A PERSON’

Recognise this is a period of your life which you can close and move on to happier times, but how quickly – will be determined by you.

The other person’s behaviour will not change until your behaviour changes.

There’s lots of help out there from various agencies – you can get external support on how to be assertive when living with domestic violence.

photo credit: dualdflipflop via photopin

One Response to “How to be assertive when living with domestic violence”

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  1. Esther says:

    I think my daughter is prone to being verbally bullied in relationships with guys especially but also day to day relationships with girls. She’s 24 years of age and I wonder if there are any free courses in Bristol? As she’s paying of a debt she can’t afford much anyway, but in Devon there are free courses.

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